Unhealthy

A Poem by Alexander R. Zimmer

Sure, I can't do proper pull-ups,
nor can I do more than twenty push-ups.
But this isn't about my physical prowess.
I'm talking about my inner self.
My emotion, my desire.
I see something I want,
And I try to get it. It may not be the easiest to obtain,
But I still strive for it.
Eventually, be it after days or years, I get it.
But there is one thing that I want above all else,
But I can't get it.
Love.
I want it, badly so,
But I force myself to restrain my efforts
When I get cose to it.
I've been through the torture before.
She dumped me 2 1/2 years later
For a drunken Chain-smoking ass.
She became a cheerleader.
I withdrew further into my well-used shell
for three years. For three fucking years.
And I finally meet them.
Beautiful eyes, beautiful hair,
A diety beyond Aphrodite or Eros.
I want those arms around me,
Shielding me from myself.
I want that voice in my ear,
Whispering away the pain,
Beckoning me out of my durable shell.
I want the eyes.
I want the eyes for their deepness,
Not just for their beauty.
I can see into the soul that peers out from them.
I can feel the want, hear the need.
But I'm scared.
I don't want to feel the pain again.
I'm scared that if I get close,
The voice will dismiss me,
The arms will push me away,
The eyes turn opaque.
I'm scared for myself.
I don't want to love,
But I want it so badly...